Sonic The Cow!
by Candlelight Fantasia
Summary: Insanity ensues when Sonic dies in a totally stupid accident and is reincarnated as a cow! Now Sonic and his friends have to prove their friendship by tending and giving care to this cow! How will Amy react? Will they bring him back? Read this one helluva a wild story to find out! Wacky humor with a touch of romance! SonicXAmy featuring a wide array of other Sonic favorites.
1. Reincownation

**Intro: Ok so this crazy idea just formed out of the blue yesterday when I was reviewing a story! I decided to turn it into a story! There is mild profanity and a few F Bombs and cussing but safe enough to achieve a "T" rating! Enjoy and Review!**

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><p><strong>And now time for my classic disclaimer!<strong>

**Ehem...Disclaimer: Fuck the disclaimer, if I owned Sonic the Hedgehog would I even be sitting here and writing fanfic?! No, would I? FUCK NOOOO! I would be rich and indulging in promiscuity and bacchanalia.**

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><p>You could see his gloves were soaked and dripping in the torrent of the uneasy waters "Help! Help! I'm drowning" Sonic was trying very hard to wade above the water but since he didn't know better he acted more like a big dumb rock and aided himself in plummeting into the bottom of the deep blue sea. All of this was just the unlucky outcome of a rather normal day of the blue hero, hanging about aloof and blitzing through the stony and dank landscapes of Labyrinth Zone; but carelessness had gotten him into a predicament and now the poor hero was facing imminent death caused by drowning.<p>

He looked alarmingly at the blue abyss under him "Shit!" his lung felt like a dried prune by now, it was pretty much shrunk down due to lack of what? What? Oxygen (plus Nitrogen, Helium, Krypton, Argon etc). He gestured his hand for the bubbles to find their way to papa's mouth "C'mon bubbles! Want my bubblicious bubbles" no bubbles in sight! "A c'mon now goddammit! Need them bubbly balls of life! Balls to mouth! **BALLS TO MY MOUTH!**" he pointed at the virtual bubbles and signaled them to enter his mouth. Nope, no luck Sonic! Suddenly that infamous panicky sound rose dooda dooda dooda dooda dooda dooda dooda dooda doodadooa doodadooda doodadooa he looked down at the screen "Fuck, 0 lives left!"

10, 9, 8...

**"Haul ass! Haul ass!"**

7, 6, 5...

"**Bag that ass bitch! Bag bitch! Bag!"**

4, 3, 2...

**"MOTHERFUCKA I SAID BUBBLES, GIMME THEM BUBBLES!"**

3, 2...

The thunderous tapping of thumbs could be heard abusing the greasy gaming controller.

**"Make me jump fool, jump to that ledge foo'!"**

1…

**DEAD!** Yup, he slid off the screen and "Game Over" appeared on the screen!

But no! That is not how Sonic died! This is just Sonic the Hedgehog playing as Sonic the Hedgehog on an old SEGA Genesis console!

"Ah shit!" He tossed the controller aside and sunk in to the cushiony comfy couch with both hands on his face. "I can't believe how you can suck at a game you actually star in!" His stomach groaned but suddenly the doorbell rang, "Ah, it's about time my pizza arrived! I only lose my focus when I'm hungry for after this I shall conquer you despiteful LABYRINTH ZONE!" He juiced toward the door full speed but his hunger had also lead him to be too careless and his feet got entangled on Amy's lying panties (what were they doing there? No clue!) And he pretty much flew in to the counter and his skull cracked open! Brains and blood all over the place! That was how he died!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! "Sonic it's Cream from Matto Italian Pizzeria, I've brought the pizza you ordered!"

Yeah, Cream was a young teen looking for some chump change and worked part-time at the local Italian pizzeria. Bursting with acne and the local hormonal growth of boobs and butt, she had a proclivity for flinging expletives and various slang from her braced teeth these days.

No action on the other side, all was silent!

"Sonic you dumbass, I'll leave the pizza on the door! I expect you to pay back the cheddar or my grotty son of a bitch boss man is going to kill me!"

Payback? Well if she wanted payback in the form of milk he would definitely get his share, but money? No, since money is green and looks like grass and cows eat them!

Night had passed and in the early morning the pizza was left cold and had dried up on his doormat. The angel of death had visited him that night saying that he will be reincarnated as an animal and since Sonic was such a moral and upright citizen and enjoyed lying on grass and running around grassy fields he was corporeally brought to life as a cow beginning a new life in a new body as a four legged ungulate of the family _Bovidae_ and let to graze in grass heaven!

He groggily came back to life, seeing everything dim and rather blurry.

"Uhh…uh… why do I feel so heavy? Did I have too much pizza last night?"

He felt a surging urge to yawn suddenly "MOOOOOOOOO!" the whole interior of the house shook from the sound! "**Holy shit!** What the hell was that? Sounded like a cow to me!" He looked around but couldn't see anything, though he was dead sure that there was a cow in the house somewhere! He felt really strange though, like he weighed two tons and had a bulky frame! He laggardly got up and moved forth inside his home when he suddenly saw an image in the mirror.

"Ah, so you're the cow who's making all those noises! Did the milkman accidentally bring you? Or was he feeling too generous?"

He looked behind himself to see the so called 'cow' reflection but no nothing was there, for a moment he caught the cow turning his head and facing the mirror again.

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"**

"**I AM THE COW?** No, no, no, no, no, nooooooooooo! This is an **illusion!**" he moved back and fro from the mirror but every time he passed he saw himself as a big black and white Holstein cow.

For some reason all the pieces of the puzzle were fitting together, why he felt like a 10 ton bulldozer and why he moved very slowly. His cow eyes were popping out with ferocity, the white of his big black eyes had covered most of the region of his eyeballs.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why ME!" He sobbed as all the events of last night came to his head! His negligence had traded his life for being a cow. He was mooing and swaying his head all over while lashing his tail in every random direction watching himself in the mirror! Most importantly the dreaded thought of not being able to hold the title of "The fastest thing alive" abhorred him to the core! "Now FAKER has the title! **FAKER** of all people!"

"I CAN'T RUN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My morning running ritual has turned into a mourning ritual!"

Suddenly his stomach groaned for he had not eaten a thing till last night. "Oh, I'm so hungry!" Sonic the Cow couldn't open the door since he was now on all fours if you didn't notice by now! "I feel so incomplete! I can't even open a door!" He had to find a way to get out of the confines of his house and look for grass to graze. With force he turned around and found the back door of his lawn open and stepped outside looking for something to stuff into his four compartmented stomach! He entered the lawn but it was pretty much a ransacked backyard overgrown by weeds. He walked toward the weeds and gave them a good sniff:

"My cow senses tell me that this doesn't feel edible. Man I'm good, not even five minutes have passed and I'm getting pretty good at being a cow!"

With nothing in the backyard he had to look for a more fresh and livelier source of food, green grass is what he desired! Sadly the backyard was constricted by the wooden fence and the wooden door was locked.

"Why do I keep on getting reminded by the fact that I can't open a door? Fuck!"

He had to bust his way out of here or he would starve. Eyeing the premise he was suddenly reminded of his beefy stature. He trod toward the farthest end of his backyard and positioned himself as any bull would when ready to stampede.

"Fuck it, I'm going to have to bust out of here!"

He let out a few quick snorts and eyed the wooden fence: "Well Sonic the Hedgehog, it takes a cow to know a cow! And I think I'm knowing pretty darn well! Let's just see how fast this baby can run!"

He trampled his front leg against the ground and shot forth with blistering inertia acting like a battering ram.

"I feel like a freakin' tank, woooooooooo! This isn't that bad but not even a hundredth of my former speed! Fence ahead! FENCE AHEAD!"

"OWWW!" Pieces and shrapnel of the wooden fence snapped and flew all over the place as the wooden nature of the sounds indicated that there certainly had been a collision.

He blasted through the fence and came to a quick step "Note to self: 1 – Cows have better breaking skills 2 – Cows are like a wrecking ball!"

He bended his head and looked back "WOOOO! Home free!"

Now that he was outside he had to find a proper food source since his front lawn wasn't better than his backyard. Suddenly he was reminded of Amy's beautiful front lawn adorned with colorful flora and fauna and lots of green grass. There wasn't any better place to go for if he went to the park he would be easily administered as a stray cow by the city municipality! and Amy could offer help to Sonic to possibly get him out of this predicament.

Amy's home wasn't too far away, she had moved in closer to Sonic to possibly stalk him on an even more basis. He finally reached the premise of the pinket's home! The grass was glowing lively under the early morning sun with specs of dew glistening on the blades of grass.

"For some reason, I find the grass to be really tempting to eat! Even more tempting than a chilidog!" Sonic the bovine walked into the grass and bent his head into the grass, munching and grinding the grass in his mouth "Hey, this is pretty good!" he was flapping his ears in satisfaction as the grass went through his "MOOOOOOOOOOO!" "Gawd, what the hell! I can't help it" by his new found natural habit he regurgitated and re-chewed his food. "Ah gross! That's nasty! Note to self: cows re-chew their food!"

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><p><strong>At Amy's:<br>**

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

A limp hand flew in the air as it smashed the big alarm button shutting up the digital contraption for good. With a half open eyelid she groggily read the big red LCD digital display, 8:02 AM. "Ah, but it's the weekend! I want to sleep!" and with that said she stuffed the pillow on her head.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Suddenly a voice just came blasting from the lawn. "What in the Sam Hill was that?" nothing resonated anymore "Ugh…must've been hearing things…Amy you had way too much to drink last night!" but suddenly the sound rung in the air once again! "When did I have a cow sound for an alarm!" she exclaimed angrily as she kept on hitting the pillow on her head. "Wait a minute, did I just say cow?" The sound once again filled the room **"OK! THAT'S IT! STRIKE THREE! I'M GONNA TAKE OUT MY HAMMER AND BLUDGEON WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS! HEADS WILL ROLL!"** barely holding her stance she waded left & right and banged her on foot on her semi-open drawer "FUCK! You are so dead!" and smashed her fist on the wooden drawer as if it was a sentient being about to suffer "Ow!" the drawer yelped, maybe it was a degenerate reincarnated as a drawer? Attired in her red panties and bra she burst open the front door with her death inducing Piko Piko Hammer on her shoulder.

She looked around her front lawn, it was pretty much left in a ramshackly state. Patches of dirt had left their mark on the once existent grasses and some tulips and flowers had been plucked and trampled over by Sonic the Cow! Especially her blue and pink roses, which were planted to symbolize her and Sonic and when she saw their hideous state she just blew a fuse!

Suddenly Sonic's eyes bulged as he saw Amy having a shit-fit. Glaring at him erm the cow with fire shooting out of her eyes. "Damn, she looks **sexy** like that! If only she chased me like that!" Suddenly he realized there was no time to fantasize about her banging body for he was going to be today's bloody medium rare steak if he wasn't to act too soon!

"What in the **DICK**ens is a cow doing in my lawn! I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU!" She stressed on the Dick too long!

**"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKCKCKCKCK!" **Sonic wailed in agony!

Licking her lips for a good morning exercise regimen she prepared to go through her triple whammy she had been honing all too well this past month! Move it or lose it Sonic!

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><p><strong>So that's it for now! Stay tuned for mooooooooore death and destruction (shitty pun, I know!) Also if you are interested in my writing I also suggest you guys to checkout my other story "The Amy Chronicles" it is completely different compared to this story. <strong>

**This chapter was fortified by hours of listening to REO Speedealer!  
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	2. Got Milk?

**Sorry for the rather long update. Very busy these days and between all this brouhaha managing two stories is challenging. **

**Ok, So this chapter is fun, cool, crazy and cute at the same time. Sonamy fans rejoice! Review peeps!  
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><p>Swinging the hammer in the air Amy was about to go "Kill Bill" style on her unknown beloved target of Sonic the Hedgehog.<p>

"I may look all girly and dandy but did you know that I am a record holder on the high striker? Not waiting for some boy to showcase his might! It is evident by my huge collection of Sonic plushies!"

Sonic's eyes just bulged at the comment, he couldn't help but just laugh from the inside at Amy's overboard adulation for him! But more psychological complexes were about to occur!

Instead of barging at the so called cow Amy ran back inside.

"The hell just happened? I should've been at uncle Sam's butchery by now!"

Sonic's eyes widened once again but this time in a more dumbfounded manner. A humongous Sonic plush doll had busted its way through out the door jamb. Amy had followed from behind holding the big ass toy.

"Watch Sonic! You've always ignored me you aloof fool but this time you shall see how my heart aches for you! This is what happens when intruders try to destroy our relationships! This cow is Eggman, he shall suffer!" She stated vehemently as she placed the doll near a big wooden pole under the main entry arch.

His jaw was about to drop for being a cow offered so much perception into the minds of people that such candidness was never to be seen if he appeared as him normal self.

_"FUCK! Amy, you need counseling!"_

With that said Amy the assailant turned around and barged against the cow, the plush Sonic fell to it's side. Maybe it was also mortified as much as Sonic and let out an embarrassed cry. Possibly a Casanova reincarnated as a plush doll and forced to suffer the severe midnight fondling, kissing, caressing of an over emphatic lover? A flood of love.

Amy was only a few feet away! The cow bespoke! "Wait, don't kill me!" Amy was aghast by the sudden coming to tongue of the four legged creature! So taken aback that she lost control of her hammer and landed it right on her foot.

She didn't know whether to scream in pain or marvel at the sight of a speaking cow! Her brain was schizzing out back and forth between "What in the fucking hell!" and "OW! OW! OW!" it was surely a strange way to start your morning. She eventually sat in an island of grass while grabbing and rubbing her foot in pain and staring at the cow in sheer appalling manner.

"That voice! It's so familiar! It's eerily familiar…" Still not believing what she had seen or heard she turned her head and looked at her Sonic plushy "Is my plushy alive?" but no, the plushy was flat on the ground, motionless as a flat heart rate reading of an expired patient.

"Either the effects of yesterday's binge drinking still haven't wore off and I'm still hearing and seeing things or this cow speaks!"

"You have heard right Ames!"

"Oh my GOD! How do you even know my NAME?! Wait a minute… you… you sound like…like… Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog!" She grabbed her rather bare boob erm chest, gesturing a state of shock.

"I am Sonic!"

"WHAT?! NO WAY! You are a cow! I know my Soniku! Last time I checked he was a hedgehog not a cow, definitely not a speaking cow!" Amy was taken aback, she could feel her heart racing.

"Amy, I don't know how to break this to you… seeing how you love me so much"

"I love the hedgehog, not the cow mister!"

"Ugh…I'm not mister!" Sonic sighed, he didn't know how to report his death to Amy since she would instantly die of a heart attack after hearing such piercing news.

"Amy…I'm…Dead! I've been reincarnated as a cow as you can see!"

"WHAT!" Amy screamed in shock as she quickly crawled toward the snout of the cow eyeing it with her big emerald eyes.

"It's true…"

Amy couldn't process the chimerical information in her head, she thought she was dreaming and started to slap herself hardly on her cheek. "This is a dream! I know it!"

"AMY! Don't slap yourself, if you love me then don't do it!"

Amy stopped as her hero's command or at least his voice had the power of a veto.

"This can't be! Are you saying that Sonic is dead and the soul of Sonic is inside this vessel, this cow?" She said in a worried tone, fresh tears were building up in her eyes.

"Well I guess you can put it that way, but it' still me! The good ol' Sonic… Amy, please don't cry…I'm also shocked…"

"**SONIC! WHY ARE YOU DEAD! YOU CAN'T BE DEAD!**" She sobbed vehemently as she grabbed Sonic's cow head and embraced it with both arms, crying in denial and stomping the ground.

"I'm going to take my life here right now, I will join you! I can't imagine myself without you!" Amy screamed fanatically like a fervent drumbeater.

"NO NO NO NO! AMY! Amy you have to help me… maybe there can be a way to summon me back! Besides what if you are summoned back as a flower? Cows eat flowers, you'll be in my digestive tract!"

"I would rather end up in your digestive tract than end up as a dried up rose under the sun! WAAAAAA!"

"Amy! Amy! Snap out of it! Give yourself a break!"

"S-S-Sonic, oh why did you die? How did you die anyways? Did Eggman do it? Did that malevolent son-of-a-bitch tub of lard Eggman do it? **I WILL AVENGE FOR YOU SONIC EVEN IF I END UP AS A PLANT!**"

"No, plants aren't cool. You'll end up as that abomination Cosmo from Sonic-X!"

"What's Sonic-X? A porno? Who's Cosmo?" Amy questioned while drying her tears with her arm as she sat on her knees, watching him innocently.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Sonic couldn't help but laugh!

"Even if it was a porno it wouldn't make sense since you can't have sex with a plant!"

"Sonic… I never thought the first thing that I would talk to you about after your death would be on the subject of a skin movie! It feels really awkward!" Amy bawled some more and asked "Is Cosmo a plant?"

"It seems that way!"

"What do you mean it seems that way, are you gone out of your mind Sonic? You're talking gibberish!"

"I don't know, after my death I seem to have this ability to see things from a parallel universe. There are these 'humans' they well may just be reading a story about us right now on a computer screen written by some douchebag writer! This Cosmo, this Sonic-X it comes from there! In fact Sonic X could also be a porno on that planet, in the form of hentai!"

"Uhh…yeah…hehe…we've wandered too long! Forget about Sonic XXX or whatever just tell me how did you die Sonic?" Amy first said in an acquiesced manner since his words seemed all too awkward and nonsensical then she faded into her previous sobbing state.

"I…I really don't remember how it all happened but Egghead can never defeat me! It was an accident, something happened, I just don't know what it was! I was a victim of a circumstance…"

"Oh Sonic! I'm so sorry for acting like that in front of you! I presented myself as a total fool! I feel so ashamed… I never meant to call you an aloof fool! Oh, I'm going to hate myself for calling you that!"

Sonic couldn't help but smirk and laugh a bit

"See! I made myself a fool, I'm so sorry Sonic! I'm so repentant!"

"Ames, it's OK! I know you mean no harm. I should atone for barging into your lawn and destroying your front lawn! I was so hungry and seeing that you had just moved in around the block I thought you could've offered help!"

"It's okay Sonic! I would do anything for you Sonic, even if you end up as a cow! I'll help you get back!"

"Thanks Ames, being a cow is really interesting though… I can stick to being one for a while I guess" Sonic smirked

"Interesting in terms of seeing how people act like jackasses" Amy said sticking her head to the grass trying to conceal her mortification.

"Well let me speak straight from the shoulder Sonic, it's been a while since me and you had a conversation this long! Since you are a cow now maybe you can stop zooming out and about and really get to know me for once!" Amy said as she batted her eyelashes and blushing at the same time.

"Okay, but believe that I don't hate you Amy! My feet just move on their own…"

Suddenly Amy's stomach groaned "Oh…I really need to eat breakfast! Damn, I just realized I've ran out of milk!"

Suddenly an awkward silence filled the atmosphere as a bird chirped way past over their heads. Sonic's eye's pretty much bulged out, he had missed important question! Was he a male cow or a female cow?

"Sonic…Um…are you a boy or…a…a…erm…girl?" Amy said in a rather simpering tone.

"Uhhh…I don't know! Oh my…if I'm a girl I will be a laughing stock!"

"Oh…well I guess we have to find out…not too hard to figure out eh Sonic?" Amy joked while her cheeks turned into a crimson tint!

She crawled to the side to get a good under view, Sonic was sweating bullets. Her eyes dilated, yep, something was hangin' in there, tumescent and bulging out with veins! Amy couldn't help but burst out in laughter!

"**HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA**" She came out with a horse laugh rolling left and right on the grass grabbing her tummy.

"**AMY! SPEAK BEFORE I ACT A FOOL!**"

"Sonic! Sonic! BAHAHAHAHAHA or maybe I Should call you **Sonette?**"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! I'm done for! **DONE!**"

"Oh Sonic! I'm...I'm…HAHAHAHAHAHA…I'm sorry! I would never insult you…HAHAHAHAHAHA! It's just that… it's so funny to see you like this! Guess I don't need to go and buy milk? BAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I'm done for Amy! I'm done… No wonder I felt a slight pain down there like something has to be released!"

"Don't say that Sonic! If you feel pain then I guess we have to umm…milk you!" Amy said while trying really hard not laugh her heart out.

"Can it Amy! Don't you think of laughing again!" Sonic was completely dismayed.

"Oh Sonic! I'm so sorry! I'm really sorry I don't mean to hurt you, it just felt strange!"

"Ah, forget it! Situation is SNAFU anyways. That pain is starting to get unbearable…I hate to say this Amy but you um… need to milk me! You said you don't have any milk in your fridge why not a fresh drop from Sonic the freakin' cow?"

"What's this sudden change of outlook? You seem to be really enthusiastic now Sonic!"

"Enthusiastic? Hell no! I'm about to burst open, I can sit around and complain. Something has to be done!"

"Hmm…I wonder how your milk will taste like Sonic!" Amy spoke with a hint of curiosity as a big crest appeared on her lips trembling with laughter! She dashed toward her kitchen while trying to muffle her erupting wave of japery.

"I know you are laughing Amy! I can see that!" Sonic yelled while blushing ferociously at the same time.

In the kitchen Amy quickly opened her cupboard and picked up a metal bucket. She was shocked but also red with laughter. "Ooooh…The milk of Sonic the Hedgehog!"

She ran back outside and waved the bucket in the air "Found it!" then ran toward Sonic.

"Amy you've ever milked a cow before?" Sonic stated in an uneasy tone.

"No! But I guess it doesn't seem too difficult, seen a few fleeting glimpses on TV though! Just gotta grab the… um…teats" Amy said while trying hard to sound serious while holding a hand over her mouth.

Teats was the word that echoed in Sonic's mind, teat!

She put the bucket under the udder and started to make an attempt. Her finger ran over the teat, it kinda felt gross to her but well she couldn't complain much, this was Sonic her beloved and she had already damaged his ego. Sonic felt the fingers, it felt tingly yet relaxing now he was the one laughing. The jet of milk struck the metallic frame of the bucket signaling a sound of success.

"Man I'm good!" Amy rejoiced while raising a fist in the air.

"Hahaha…haha…that's the stuff!"

"Sonic? Does that feel good?"

"I hate to say it Amy but um…yes... yes it does! Feels like I'm jerkin…**WHOA WHOA!**"

"SONIC! Were you about to say what I think you were about to say?" Amy stopped as she flushed to an extreme tint of red on the color spectrum.

"Nawwww! NAW! You heard me wrong! I didn't say anything! Continue!"

"_Fuck that was close!" _

"Whatever… yeah let's keep jerkin'!" With that she continued, half naked and milking a cow. How fucked up can your day start? Sonic couldn't help but yap out in laughter in his mind "Jerkin'"

After 10 minutes or so Amy was sighing and cleaning the sweat from her forehead, she was tired and opened her lips "Sonic, this is a real thumb buster! But I managed to fill the bucket!"

"Thank you so much Amy! You saved me, I'm so grateful of you!"

"Awww, Sonikuuu! It was nothing, you mean so much to me Sonic, but you must promise to give me a kiss when you come back!"

"Well I can give you a lick if you want? How about a big sloppy cow lick huh?" Sonic said while laughing.

"Ugh… I think I'll pass on that, I'll wait for something more authentic!"

"Ah, c'mon now Ames!" Sonic protested

"Okay okay Sonic! Here, lick me on my umm cheek!"

Her face compressed and folded as the big tongue performed a long bottom to top lick. She shuddered, laughed and quivered at the same time.

"I feel like a strawberry ice cream in the middle of summer!"

"Yuk! Hedgehogs taste really gross!" Sonic spat!

"Really?"

"Joking joking, I got ya there though!"

"Touché!"

"Well, why not taste the milk?" Amy sat on her knees and cupped the bucket in her hand ready to take a swig. The milk infused on her taste buds, instant gratification shot into her psyche.

"Sonic! This milk! It tastes like…like heaven! It's so creamy and light! This just has to be the best milk I have ever tasted! From today no homogenized, sterilized milk. I'm going organic! I want more!"

"Really? Damn I'm good!" Sonic said slickly.

Amy didn't hear Sonic's ego kicking in. Taking huge chugs the milk overflowed from the sides of the bucket as it dripped all over her breasts, torso and thighs. Sonic felt aroused for a moment, at least his male side did!

"_Damn! Sonic you haven't been looking all too clearly lately! What have I been missing the whole time!"_

"Oh darnit! I just messed up my bra and panties!"

"I just realized I've been half naked the whole time…" Amy was severely blushing, she liked the situation but also felt uneasy at the same time, uneasy in front of her hero um heroine of a cow!

"Umm…I'll be back!" She ran back inside deciding to change her clothing. What did the rest of a newborn day have in store for Sonic…?


	3. Suicide Brunch!

**Sorry for the long update, sometimes an idea must spark in my head before I aimlessly release a chapter! Also a big thanks to all the reviewers and readers, you guys rock! Prepare for some more crazy shit!**

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><p>Heading toward her room Amy went back inside, wet with drops of milk sliding down off her abdomen and thighs. Opening the bathroom door she stuck her foot into the tub and turned on the water to get any excess milk off of her skin. Watching the milk swirl near the drain she was trying to know her ass from a hole in the ground, there had to be a way to solve this conundrum. If there was one person who knew all the angles it had to be Tails, Sonic's best friend and whiz kid.<p>

Turning off the tap she picked up her towel and quickly dried the wet spots then tossed the towel somewhere back in there and ran toward her phone. Damn, a hole in one because unbeknownst to her the towel had landed in her toilet. The towel let out a disgusted sigh, maybe it was a "sanitation engineer" reincarnated as a towel?

She had to call Tails, for Tails was Sonics best friend and maybe smart enough to help them with this riddle. Kicking her room's door open she picked up some dry and fresh clothes from the semi open drawer she had banged her foot earlier today then shut it close with her foot. She picked up her phone while trying to dial Tails and change her clothes at the same time.

RING! RING! RING! RING!

"C'mon pick up the phone, pick up the phone!" Amy whispered impatiently as she shoved a boob in her bra in one hand and held the phone with her awry head at the same time, showcasing her immense multitasking abilities.

"This is Tails' workshop, I might just be busy right now or out and about. Drop a message!"

"Fucking answering machine!" Amy yelled "Tails, I know you are there! Pick up the phone, situation is FUBAR!"

Tails was at the workshop, rummaging through tools and various junk in his workshop causing a freakin' racket so loud that he couldn't hear the phone. He thought he heard something and paused for a second but no, the ringing had stopped.

"Hmm" With a befuddled gesture he resumed back to his work shrugging his shoulder in the process and resuming his metallic cacophony. But he could seriously hear something now, a sound was coming from a speaker or something. Cussing and swearing, he swore he heard "Fuck, shit, piss" in a second! Amy was definitely screaming her lungs out behind the answering machine.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What in the devil is going on?" He yelled as he slammed the piece he was looking for on his workshop table. The answering machine was enduring all the blatant cusses and swear words it could!

"_Weisenheimer! Pickup the goddamn phone before I go fuck nuts! Fuuuu—_"

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><p><strong>At Tails<strong>

"uuuuuuuck! There, you happy I filled the dots?" Tails blurted as he picked up the phone on the other end!

"Amy! What the hell is going on?"

"It's Sonic! He's been turned into a cow! A female cow!" Amy was panicking behind the phone.

"Amy are you out of your mind? What are you talking about?"

"No! I'm completely aware of what is going on! Sonic…Sonic…he's dead! Now he's back to life as a cow!"

"Whoa whoa whoaaa! Hold it right there miss, Sonic's dead and brought back as a cow? Are you out of your mind Amy? Did someone slip marijuana in your famous brownies?"

"Oh my god Tails! I'm not joking, I swear. It's all too real, I also freaked out big time when I saw him! You must get here fast! We must save Sonic, we must do something!"

"Amy! I swear if I ever find out that this is a prank I will seriously get mad at you. Don't you know I'm working on a new project, there's no time for games!"

"Project my ass! Tails if you don't believe me then here let me hand ehem hold the telephone to Sonic ears so you can speak with him yourself!" With that said she rushed outside to the lawn where Sonic was idly standing, contemplating for himself. He suddenly saw Amy running toward him with her phone in her hand.

"Sonic! Sonic! Its Tails, I called him and told everything. He doesn't believe me, please talk some sense into that young man!"

"Ok, hold that thing to my ear, you know I virtually don't have any hands now do you?" Sonic eyed Amy.

"Ok, here"

The whole view of a talking cow behind a phone was really funny for Amy, just seeing the mouthpiece miles away from Sonic's snout was enough to burst a wave of laughter from her trembling mouth. With one hand she held her mouth as she averted her eyes away from Sonic and held the phone to his ear.

"Sonic! Are you dead! Is what Amy saying true? Have you been reincarnated as an ungulate? Oh my god Sonic I'm going to kill myself if something happens to you!"

"Slow down, slow down lil' buddy! I'm not dead, this is my voice you are hearing Tails. What Amy says, well, I'm afraid to say that is true… I'm pretty much a cow right now!"

"I'm not believing anything until I see it through my own eyes Sonic. If this is all a sham I swear Sonic I would really love to try out my new laser gun upgrade implemented on the Tornado X!"

"Ugh… simmer down, no target practice for you Tails! This is the real deal!"

"I'm coming there!"

With that he headed out of his workshop and locked the wooden door. Pressing a special keypad on the exterior of his garage he entered the security code as the monotonous hum of the electrical garage door indicated that the horizontal doors were opening. Walking among the various jet planes he eyed a plane covered under a massive protective cover. Pulling the different segments of the cover the blue metallic paint of the aerial machine began to claim its existence. The Tornado X was revealed, resting silently in the calm ambiance. He picked up his special helmet from a steel compartment from the repair station then flew upwards and unlatched the cockpit, after adjusting his seating position he buckled the tri-point seat belts. Switching and tweaking a few knobs on the big cockpit the engines roared with ferocity as a blasting heat wave emerged from the exhaust manifold.

The plane began to move slowly towards the open gates, with that Tails controlled the wheel with one hand while adjusting the mouthpiece on his helmet.

"Mystic Ruins tower this is Tango, Oscar, Romeo, X-Ray one two, requesting permission for liftoff"

"Roger Tango, Oscar, Rome one two, liftoff granted."

The long asphalt runway appeared in front of his eyes, he eyed the wind indicator at the far end of the highway. "Okay, weather conditions seem auspicious. GPS, set location to 'Amy Rose'. Time to bring this baby to life!" Thrusting forward with more speed Tails began slowly began to give in to the infernal desires of the vicious plane as it roared through the runway while slowly lifting off into the horizon.

* * *

><p><strong>At Amy's<strong>

"Well Sonic, Tails should get here any minute soon. He sure had a hard time believing the story"

"Well I give him credit, you know how many times I played a prank on that smart aleck? Countless times."

"Well I guess all we do is wait then Sonic, I haven't eaten anything except your milk which was oh so tasty!"

Sonic blushed "Can you stop reminding me of that, I can already feel it hanging between my legs so uh no notification necessary!"

"Hey, I didn't say anything I just said the milk was great! Anyhow, since I don't want to leave you off on your own here I bet I'll just bring something to eat on the porch or something."

"Yeah, OK"

Her big eyes shone among the yellow light of the open door refrigerator, she was like a hungry bear searching for something to eat. Light headed and low on fuel, her lips felt a bit dry. She needed some sugar for the day hadn't barely started and she was already pale and massively freaked out. She spotted some chocolate milk, picked up some cream cheese and some butter plus her favorite apricot jam. Finally she yanked a bagel idly shining in the middle of the fridge partition and took a bite of out, moaning in return.

"Umph, yes this is good!" Holding all the stuff in her hands she went toward the porch to enjoy breakfast, something she would do once in a while but fuck the view for it was hit by a shit storm.

"Hey Sonic!" She shrugged her shoulders up and down trying to say Hi again to her bovine hero.

"Yo!"

Placing all the jam and bagels and chocolate milk on the white circular table she began to look at her razed front yard. "You can eat the grass if you want Sonic, it's too late now, and shits hit the fan!"

"You know Amy I never knew you cussed with such indifference, damn, you feisty girl!"

"Well I ain't a softie all the time Sonic, sometimes a girl who's on her period just wants to scream and swear the shit out of everybody, god I could use some c*&% right now!" A deafening silence filled the room, she smacked herself on the forehead.

"Ugh, Sonic I'm so sorry, I've made such an ass of myself in front of you!"

Sonic was shocked and rather attracted by Amy's feistiness "It's okay Amy, you know what? It's me who should be sorry, my apologies are long overdue. Seeing you with all these different sides is so interesting to me. It makes me hate myself for not getting to know you when I was my normal self. Maybe being a cow is a sign, a sign for me to slow down and look around once in a while!"

Amy's eye's had widened and a bit teary, Sonic had spoken the words that had stayed unspoken in her heart for all this time. "Sonic… I…I… I don't know what to say… I may have scared the jeepers out of you by my constant following but I never meant to drive you crazy…you know what? Just forget it, hopefully things will work out when we get you back" With that she inconspicuously wiped a little tear off her eye.

She took a bite off her bagel and to liven the mood asked Sonic to take a moo

"Sonic, can you do a moo? I feel like I'm in the countryside right now watching the cows graze!"

"Am I like a clown or something Amy? Jeez!...Ugh fine, here, **MOOOOOOOOOOOOO**"

"That's more like it! Sorry for having the balls to drink chocolate milk in front of you Sonic, this is certainly nothing compared to your milk" She said while shaking the milk in the air toward Sonic!

"You get a free pass this time, but next time I'm the one who's gonna be sucking milk from your boo-"

"Good heavens!" Once again an awkward silence BUT LO! Suddenly Tails X-Tornado appeared in the nick of time and saved Sonic from looking like a perverted ass, both parties were even-Steven in terms of trying to raid each other's fun parts (note to self, author needs to focus on a steamy petting-party scene later on, ehem the rating Nazi's show up "Nein Ficken für Sie")! Hovering high in the sky Tails began to land the plane vertically on Amy's lawn!

Amy's eyes bulged as she began to suck fervently on the red and white straw (details motherfucker, Nobel Prize of literature is mine bitch!) "Come on Tails! Take a shit on my lawn, spifflicate the son of a bitch cocksucking lawn!" Hopefully both Amy and Sonic could swear each other's guts out since the sound of the plane was enough to make you go deaf.

Tails activated the camera to prepare for a landing "What in the devil is that? Whoa! That's a Holstein Cow! Bos primigenius!"

Tails began to land the plane in a vertical manner since Amy's house was no airplane runway! Hovering down to get a better view Tails eyeballs popped, yeah the cow was looking at him and speaking!

"Holy crapbaskets! **FUCK**! That's Sonic!" Tails gaping mouth signaled extreme shock, he had lost his control for a second and accidently hit the laser cannon. "Fuck!" He tried to quickly readjust the plane in but once again pulled another shit move!

"Dick move Tails! Dick Move! What did I say? **NO TARGET PRACTICE**" Sonic Shouted

ZAP! ZAP! The laser incinerated Amy's wooden fence, the other one collided with the wooden table setting it instantly on fire, a pyromaniacs dream. The table screamed in agony, maybe it was a lumberjack reincarnated as a wooden table to suffer for all the innocent tree's he chopped down?

Amy screamed in shock as all the contents of the table flew in all directions. The jam exploding in the jar and flying all over her face! She ran into the middle of the lawn with her fist raised in the air looking like someone had vomited on her.

**"TAILS! AS IF MY LAWN HASN'T GONE THROUGH TOO MUCH SHIT FOR TODAY! GET DOWN THIS INSTANT BEFORE I TOSS MY HAMMER!"**

Tails lowered the contraption onto the ground burning pretty much all the remaining grasses and flowers to cinder and ash. He busted open the cockpit and flew in the air in an "I come in peace manner"

"Tails! You have to pay for my lawn, why don't you just bring a can of gasoline and torch it huh?" Amy sat down crying!

"Oh Ames, don't cry, here's a lick if it makes you feel any better!" Sonic took a few licks off her face.

"Damn this jam is good!"

"It's my recipe Sonic! When I get depressed I beat a fucking apricot to death, add sugar and then let it boil on a stove!" Amy said while twitching and seeing red!

"SONIC?"

"TAILS?"


	4. Gas To Pass

**Overdue update! **

* * *

><p>It was a sight to behold, Amy's lawn was a scene taken off from the beleaguered battlefields of World War II: trenches, fences and mines. But the facial expressions and visual glances of long time buddies Tails &amp; Sonic was something far away from your hard hitting history text books and was extracted from an overtly sentimental, cloying soap opera. We now interrupt this scene to play everything out in an alternate universe.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Alternate Universe, Sonika's Mansion:<strong>

Dramatic music was playing in the background. In a precipitous manner Tails parked his red Ferrari cabriolet in the gravel parkway and hurriedly walked up the marble floors of the dazzling mansion. He pressed the doorbell as a deep and reverberating sound resonated within the confines of the estate. The colossal doors groaned as they opened.

"Hello meestur Tail, come in! She, I mean he is waiting!" It was Aimee, Sonika's Asian maid.

"Take me to the room Aimee, what was she thinking going through a sex change?! As if I wasn't rocking her world enough!" Tails the "Fabio" asked in a grave tone while he grabbed his crouch.

"I not know, she gone coo-coo! I cood hear you guyz crazy moans evuree nights!" Aimee said as she impersonated the act of going coo-coo with her hand.

Clad in a sporty blazer, lame 90's turtle-neck, a gold chain and as insipid as any soap opera can get - donning circular sunshades with a groomed face and geeky gelled hair – he hurriedly walked through the corridors.

With a feigned expression he took off his shades and shifted his stance, squinting at the person in front of him. "Sonika, my love? Is that really you?"

With her back faced to him Sonika peered through the window of the mansion. Nothing looked too awkward from behind, in fact Sonika still had that amazing ass! If it ain't broke don't fix it right?

"Are the rumors true? Is it true that you have gone through a sex change?" Tail pleaded in an apprehensive manner.

The effusive music reached its epic climax and the camera zoomed on the new and improved Sonika!

"I'm not Sonika anymore! Call me Sonik!"

An eclectic mixture of a beard, chest hairs popping through an evening dress and ear rings had scared the living daylights out of Tails and returning back to our own story the fox felt the same way! What does the fox say you ask? We'll find out in the next line.

* * *

><p><strong>Back at the Lawn:<strong>

"NOOOOOOOOO! SONIC-AAAHH!" (Sonikaaaa!)

Tails latched on to the cow's neck as he cried, this also brought tears to Amy's eyes as she approached the two friends and hung her arm around Tails. It was like a bawling duo of infants, Sonic felt like his ears drums were about to be pierced by the cacophonous sounds of the two, ranging from the sniffing of snotty noses to hysteric cries.

"Ok! that's enough you two"

The two kept sobbing, Tails had let go of Sonic and was now embracing Amy while mucus and snot flew from his nose.

"Yes, that's very nice but cool off you two! I am alive as you can see!"

The words didn't seem to have any meaning to the bemoaning Amy and Tails. They just kept going and going.

"Do you see Amy? Do you see? He died and you didn't even land a date with him!" Tails sniffed while holding Amy in his arms.

"And you didn't take him to that tropical island he so badly wanted to go! The poor boy was scared of water, all he just wanted was a pleasure trip!" Amy rebuked while squeezing Tails as she cried a river.

"Chill the FUCK down dudes, not cool!"

Sonic was aghast by the flow of emotions. It felt strange to him, it was as if he was witnessing his own funeral. He knew his friends cared for him deeply but just watching them like this reinforced his feelings. Being a cow offered perspicuous insight, it was as if he wasn't even there but he was there. I am, therefore I think!

"It's okay Tails, we will go on that trip when I come back. I promise! And Amy, I will go on a date with you as soon as I'm genuine or I don't think me eating a dish full of hay while you chow down on a juicy steak would be your definition of dining out at a lovely restaurant, and currently I'm offended by carnivores! Now stop crying like a pair of nerve-racking twins before I stamp the shit out of you guys!"

The two dampened their sobs and embraced Sonic.

"We love you Sonic, we'll bring you back! Isn't that right Amy?"

"Yes Tails, as much as we've both made asses of ourselves today we will bring him back! To save him and to also prove our dignity!"

"Oh my, tears are swelling up in my eyes seeing your support guys"

In an utter reversal of matters now it was Sonic's turn to cry, tears pouring out of his eyes like waterfalls. Like an epidemic the two others began to cry again and we are back to square one, fuck!

* * *

><p><strong>Inside Amy's House:<strong>

"My own house also felt alien to me, walking in around here makes me feel like I'm impaired or something, it just doesn't feel like a natural habitat."

"Well Sonic we gotta brainstorm right now, we can't leave you outside right now can we? This is a what? Cackus?"

"A caucus Amy, a caucus! Solve some crossword puzzles!" Tails said while rubbing his forehead.

"Let's get on with the cockus, cock, bahaha-shit sorry!"

Amy and Tails were hanging by the the big red couch with a look of consternation on their faces. Tails was trying to be conducive, chewing a pillow while cerebrating. Amy on the other hand was lying on her couch letting out a cacophonous wave of flatulence. The couch revolted in disgrace as the stink went right down to its fabric, maybe it was a stinker summoned to life as a couch so people would fart on him in retaliation for all the olfactory terrors that person laid on other people's noses?

Sonic was rather surprised as he never found Amy to be the type to drop the funk. Tails stopped chewing the pillow and looked at her blankly as she was red as a tomato.

"That's nothing compared to cows."

"Say what?" Sonic and Amy said in unison.

"Cows really gas the place up, Amy your farting is in such a miniscule scale compared to Sonic's farting abilities. Did you know farmers have to pay fart tax for livestock? Sounds crazy but it's true."

"IRS agent, Ms. Rose your house is being revoked for falling behind your fart taxes!" Sonic laughed while Tails joined in.

"Well Mr. IRS! My lawn has already been revoked and asshanded by a lousy so called pilot and some hot stud super crush in my neighborhood who's been transformed into a cow! So go figure! Ugh, I really don't fart too often. Sometimes gas just has to pass!"

"So does this mean that if I stay in this house for a long enough amount of time and someone flicks a lighter in this place this place is gonna detonate?" Sonic asked in in a solicitous manner.

"Well, yes Sonic! You are basically a mobile leaking methane tank" Tails chimed.

"Fuck! First my lawn and now my house, just torch this fucker for once!" Amy blew a fuse!

"Everybody chill, we don't want to cause anymore trouble. Just keep the windows open, besides it ain't like he's a gas tank waiting to explode!" Tails bespoke.

"Well, I really gotta find a place to crash, I can't stay here or people might suffocate or become cremated in their sleeps!"

"Yeah, and I have basic insurance buddy, not one's covering house inferno's caused by sleeping cows! Sonic, honey I don't mean to come off as rude, believe me I would've let you live in this house with me if I could! I just don't want anything to happen to both of us!"

"Ames, I understand, no hard feelings! besides I told you I just don't find houses comfortable anymore, I'm feeling claustrophobic already!"

"Tails, don't you live out in the open where the fields are? I think Sonic could live there for a while until we find some sort of solution. There's plenty of grass over there!"

"That's all true Amy but the problem is logistics! How am I going to move Sonic over there? I can't fit him into my Tornado X?"

"Can't anybody drive me there? God, for the first time in my life I'm asking someone to drive me someplace!" Sonic retorted.

"Aww, don't worry Sonic! We'll help you get through this!" Amy admitted in adulation.

"Yeah, Amy's right Sonic! We need a pickup truck for that. But who drives one anyway?"

"Cream drives a lot, she works at a pizza place, delivering pizzas in a busted van. Maybe she can take us?"

"Cream? Man, that bitch's gone crazy! I can't speak to her like a civilized person for one straight minute" Tails spoke in complete censure "and I was considering on asking her out on a date!"

"Hey! Be nice now, ok, well she's kinda bitchy these days but it's natural for her age! Leave it to me, she's my best friend and will surely help things out!"

* * *

><p><strong>Mooooooore insanity still awaits for our fury friends on the next chapter of Sonic the Cow!<br>**


End file.
